I recently finished Good Inside by Dr. Becky Kennedy for the second time. As a psychologist and a parent, I have read many books on parenting. And I don’t think there is a single book on parenting that could cover every issue that could ever confront a parent. However, this 299-page parenting guide is, hands down, the best parenting book I have ever read. I highly recommend it to all parents and parents-to-be who want to improve their child-raising game.
What makes it so good?
What I love the most about this book is that while many of the ideas Dr. Kennedy discusses have been discussed before, I have never read a single book that touches on so many dynamics of childhood and parenting. Nor have I ever read another book that is so accepting of using different types of parenting strategies based on the moment’s needs. Many psychologists tend to have one or two approaches to psychology and favor these over all others. Dr. Kennedy seems most interested in identifying and promoting strategies that work best for children, teens, and their parents in real-world situations. She is willing to mix and match from many different parenting approaches to get the best outcomes. This is fantastic and rare in a way I have rarely seen in a book on mental health, much less parenting.
The first half of Good Inside covers a few concrete premises to apply to parenting, and the second half discusses using them to address nearly two dozen difficult situations, including lying to parents, difficulties going to sleep at night tantrums, difficulty separating from parents, difficulty trying new foods, sibling rivalry, low confidence, etc. I would recommend that all parents read the book’s first half. Anyone can read the full second half if they wish, but parents may decide to focus on the issues that arise in their family or the situations that give them the most difficulty.
You are a better parent than you think you are
First and foremost among Dr. Kennedy’s guidelines is the idea that we are all, as the title states, Good Inside. When our kids are throwing a tantrum, they are still good inside. When we are frustrated because our kids won’t eat dinner that we have worked hard to cook and we lash out at our children, we are still good inside. When an older child yanks a toy away from a younger sibling, they are still good inside. When we are angry, when our children cannot put their shoes on and need to find just the right socks and down, and want to leave the house until they find their special stuffed animal, we are good inside. When our teenager lies to us and tells us they didn’t actually skip school after we have been emailed saying they were not in class, they are good inside.
Because we are all good inside, difficult behavior is framed as difficulty dealing with a problem the person (child or parent) is facing and a lack of capacity or understanding on how to deal with that problem healthily. People are not seen as the problem; the situation is presented as the problem. She reinforces an idea that I strongly believe as a psychologist: punishment for bad behavior does not really fix bad behavior. Teaching someone how to deal with a difficulty in a healthy way fixes bad behavior. Punishment doesn’t teach problem-solving skills, so it rarely makes human beings more effective in their lives.
Slow down. Slower is better.
Kennedy suggests we as adults take steps to slow ourselves (and our children and teens) down, as our brains tend not to process or problem-solve very well when we are overwhelmed or upset. She urges caregivers to build a “connection capital.” By this, she means spending time with kids in purely fun and supportive ways to give kids and teens time when they can come to us with questions and difficulties and when we can address tough situations that arose previously in a low-stress, more comfortable way. She suggests and outlines ways to come towards our children and ourselves with compassion and connection and demonstrates how we can work with children and teens to solve problems together instead of parents needing to be the only ones to figure out solutions for our offspring, something that is extremely difficult to do effectively given how complex problems can be.
Dr. Kennedy discusses that the goal for all of us should not be to be perfect parents, kids, or teens. Instead, she urges us to get really good at fixing the situation when we make mistakes. I agree with her that being perfect isn’t in the cards for human beings, and I agree with her that getting good at reconnecting and repairing after a conflict is helpful and leads to stronger relationships with others.
One of the things I like the most about this book is that Dr. Kennedy, a mother of three, often discusses how she makes mistakes herself and how following the guidelines in her book is difficult. As a psychologist, I read many books on mental health, often written by very skilled scholars and therapists. Many of these books bring up really important and insightful concepts and dynamics that help make me a better mental health provider, parent, and husband. At the same time, it is very rare for authors of books on mental health to acknowledge that they have difficulties with the issues they are discussing. In the worst situations, some writers present their work as flawless, that anyone following their advice will have no difficulties, and it’s their fault if someone does have difficulties. Reading books like this makes me uneasy; it is clear that such expectations are unrealistic, and it makes me question what else the author is pulling my leg about. That Dr. Kennedy acknowledges her own difficulties associated with parenting adds credibility and humanity to her work. She also acknowledges that many people reading the book may read about a difficulty and feel waves of guilt or shame, and she urges people to recognize that these feelings are there but not fair or accurate understandings of the situation. Dozens of times through the book, she reminds readers that parenting is hard, that the goal is not to be perfect, that striving to do better is noble, and that anyone striving to do something better deserves to feel pride and give themselves credit for making an effort to make things better for themselves and their children.
Its not just for parents
In the year since I became aware of this book, I have recommended it many times. I have also heard of non-parents reading it. One friend who is engaged said his fiancée had started to read it and that she wanted him to read it, too. She felt the book would help them deal with difficulties in their own relationship. I have talked to single adults reading the book, particularly the first half, to help develop a better relationship with themselves. I think these are all valid and appropriate uses for this book. In the end, it isn’t just about parenting; the dynamics it discusses will help us improve our relationships with anyone in our lives, including coworkers, adult siblings, neighbors, and even ourselves.
The book isn’t perfect. The examples in the book’s last half tend to focus more on younger children, ages 4-8. I think it would be helpful if Dr. Kennedy included more scenarios with older children. I think readers can piece together strategies they can use with their older children and teens from the ideas discussed in the book, but I think including more examples with teens would be helpful. The final section, on parenting strategies for Deeply Feeling Kids, also known as children and teens with Highly Sensitive Traits, is very short and feels tacked on. I work with individuals and families with children in this population, and I think her suggestions are helpful but don’t cover this topic in the depth it deserves. I understand Dr. Kennedy offers online classes designed to help parents struggling with children who are Deeply Feeling/Highly Sensitive. I suspect she could write a second book on parenting children and teens with these tendencies. I wish there had been more about this in this book.
The best parenting book I have ever read
Despite these concerns, this is still the best single book on parenting I have ever read. I recommend it to anyone looking for strategies to be a more effective parent. I look forward to the possibility of the author writing more books in the future.